I'm doing Steena's LOGLINE BLOGFEST just a little late because of the Mystery Agent one-line pitch contest that went down today. Still, for the evening crowd, here's my logline:
Genre: MG Adventure
Title: Prepare to be Repaired
In a town where the heroes are all villains, Robert is the benign twin, the proverbial black sheep with white knight tendencies, do-gooder super powers, and dust allergies--but he's everyone's last, best hope against the beasts dragging both heroes and villains into the woods, one at a time.
Gee, those are hard. I'm glad we usually get a whole query to pitch our story!
Do you have one? Join the blogfest. (It's totally not too late! Well, maybe a little.)
Okay, I am only confused about one thing here. Is Surlyview an alternate reality, ya know, with the whole twin thing going one or is he a real twin? Who is "their" referring to? The peopl of Surlyview? I think this has a great voice already, and I love how you cleraly have the antag here: THE BEAST IN THE WOODS...ooohhh!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Bekah! That was helpful. I added/changed a few words. I hope it ends confusion. What do you think?
ReplyDeleteI think the bit about dust allergies speaks volumes! Love that little tidbit thrown in!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a really fun story! You might add the title and the genre up front so we know what we're dealing with. Is he really a sheep? Love the imagery and voice in this pitch and especially the huge amount we learn about the MC by the little you tell us.
ReplyDeleteGreat job and great to meet you, Katrina! "Underpublished" is now my favorite writer title. Officially. And FYI, I love that I'm lucky follower #100!!! :o)
Thanks, Kristi! :)
ReplyDeleteJackee, you're right. That bit about the sheep looks literal in a MG superhero story. I added the word "proverbial"--since it's an upper middle grade story, I hope I can get away with that vocab word!
AND THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME TO 100 FOLLOWERS! Hmm, now I need to think of something special to do...
I love the voice you have! Great job on it.
ReplyDeleteHi Katrina, glad I popped back here :)
ReplyDeleteI think your story concept sounded really neat. I stumbled a little over your logline though, I think because I had a couple of questions/uncertainties. Umm, ok, firstly, you say that Robert is Rupert's "benign" twin (a black sheep with white knight tendencies). I'm not sure if "benign" is the right word, I felt it almost contradicts the meaning of "black sheep" - is there a different word you could use?
Also, are both Robert and Rupert the MCs? The logline reads almost as though Robert is the MC, as Rupert is being described by reference to him in a way. Hope that makes sense - if Rupert is the MC, you might need a teensy bit of tweaking.
Love the dust allergies reference :)
Hope this helps.
Rach
Thank you for the help, Rachel!
ReplyDeleteRobert is the MC, but he lives in a twisted villain town where good is bad, so he'd be the black sheep to a bunch of villains BECAUSE of his white knight tendencies. This is why I like the longer form of the query. LOL. Hard to explain that in one sentence and include plot elements.
sigh
I'll keep pecking at it.
Tee hee, that makes sense. Can I suggest then, start the logline with "In a town where the heros are all villains,..." I'm not sure you need the name Surlyview, and that is much more important I'd think (and rather hookish too!!!) (*grins*)
ReplyDeleteRach
Ooh, you're a genius! How does it look now?
ReplyDeleteMuch better, I like :) Remember me when you're rich and famous (*smirks*)
ReplyDeleteRach
Hee hee! Will do, Rachael Harrie! (Got to get your name right.)
ReplyDeleteWhat a fun logline!!
ReplyDeleteoooo I love it :D
ReplyDeleteHey Katrina,
ReplyDeleteGlad you joined us. This is so cute and I can't wait to read it. My son would love it, too.
I'm wondering if we need to know Robert's a twin in the logline? Since the new beginning, we know it's a topsy turvy world (I'm hearing one of those movie trailer voice-overs: "In a world where..."). The name Rupert kind of confuses things.
Okay, just a couple of cents worth of advice. Otherwise, I love it, too!
G'luck!
Vicki
Thanks, Vicki! I know it's a little long, but I really like that benign twin bit. You know, opposite of evil twin. ;) And since there are so many other superhero and villain stories on the market right now, I think it's one thing that makes my story unique.
ReplyDeleteI could say, "Robert is a benign twin..." Hmm... Thank you for the input! I'm still hacking away. :D
Cute premise. This line made me pause: the proverbial black sheep with white knight tendencies, do-gooder super powers, and dust allergies.
ReplyDeleteI like the dust allergies--cute detail that gives it voice. I just had a kind of difficult time wrapping my head around the "good is bad" everything flipped on its head aspect in 2 sentences.
This sounds like it could be better used as a blurb than a logline. It's a very long sentence and most of it is kind of vague except the thing about the dust allergies - why is that important enough to make it into the logline? I know this is a difficult thing to do; I am having difficulties myself (it's hard for me to write short). That's why this is opportunity is so great - you get a lot of good feedback from readers!
ReplyDeleteMargay
I've been critting loglines all over the web this morning, but I thought this one was perfect. I love the dust allergies!
ReplyDeleteMy only question is why is he the last, best hope? Does he have special skills or powers or is it because he is the last one left? I think you need to make that more clear.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI love the heroes are all villains thing. Here are something's I would cut out because I get tripped up when benign is used.
ReplyDeleteIn a town where the heroes are all villains, Robert is a do-gooder with dust allergies...etc...
This sounds like a fun read. =)
I like this! It sounds cute and fun. :)
ReplyDeleteI grabbed your logline :) If you have a newer one you want to send me - feel free :) steenah@telus.net
ReplyDelete