Mock-Me Monday: My Worst Query Letter

So I'm just making this up as I go along, but since I'm in the querying process right now, I thought it might be cathartic to write a purposely BAD query letter (you know, to make me feel better about the accidentally bad query letters I usually write).

Here I go:

Dear Alice,

Can I call you Alice? I feel as if I know you, since I've been blog- and twitter-stalking you for the past five weeks. And, hey, I love the Lakers, too! Can't help you with your three-year-old, though. Mine is a little monster most of the time. Remember when you tweeted about Paranormal Romance? Well, I am in the process of writing one of those, but right now I want to pitch you my Middle Grade Adventure book.

You'll will love this book! Have you ever wondered why beans take so long to soak? They're really cocoons for the darker cousins of fairies. When Tomas Venezuela discovers a batch of dark fairy beans in his mom's crock pot, his life turns upside down. His mom wants him to teach them the Macarena and use them to make money. His little brothers still want to eat them. But the dark fairies tell Tomas he has a greater purpose: keeping them safe until they're big enough to seize power.

Some really exciting stuff happens in the middle, and you won't believe the twisty ending! But can Tomas stop the dark fairies before they take over the world? Or will he decide to be their pawn, and take a chance on love? Only Jessica Bling knows for sure, and she's not telling.

Bean There, Done That is a Middle Grade Adventure book, complete at 140,000 words. But it's really way too complicated to sum up in a query letter, so I hope you'll ask for a partial, at least. Also, I have a friend who can illustrate it. He's really good; he works for Disney. And almost twenty people read my blog now, so I can totally sell it to all of them, and if they each tell twenty people, I think this book could be the next Sense and Sensibility.

Yours Truly,

Refried Beans (that's my pen name. If you want my real name, you have to request pages)

Ah...that made me feel so much better about my accidentally bad queries. :-) Feel free to add your own fake query letters in the comments. You'll love how it makes you feel.