Monday, June 21, 2010

Mock-Me Monday: My Worst Query Letter

So I'm just making this up as I go along, but since I'm in the querying process right now, I thought it might be cathartic to write a purposely BAD query letter (you know, to make me feel better about the accidentally bad query letters I usually write).

Here I go:

Dear Alice,

Can I call you Alice? I feel as if I know you, since I've been blog- and twitter-stalking you for the past five weeks. And, hey, I love the Lakers, too! Can't help you with your three-year-old, though. Mine is a little monster most of the time. Remember when you tweeted about Paranormal Romance? Well, I am in the process of writing one of those, but right now I want to pitch you my Middle Grade Adventure book.

You'll will love this book! Have you ever wondered why beans take so long to soak? They're really cocoons for the darker cousins of fairies. When Tomas Venezuela discovers a batch of dark fairy beans in his mom's crock pot, his life turns upside down. His mom wants him to teach them the Macarena and use them to make money. His little brothers still want to eat them. But the dark fairies tell Tomas he has a greater purpose: keeping them safe until they're big enough to seize power.

Some really exciting stuff happens in the middle, and you won't believe the twisty ending! But can Tomas stop the dark fairies before they take over the world? Or will he decide to be their pawn, and take a chance on love? Only Jessica Bling knows for sure, and she's not telling.

Bean There, Done That is a Middle Grade Adventure book, complete at 140,000 words. But it's really way too complicated to sum up in a query letter, so I hope you'll ask for a partial, at least. Also, I have a friend who can illustrate it. He's really good; he works for Disney. And almost twenty people read my blog now, so I can totally sell it to all of them, and if they each tell twenty people, I think this book could be the next Sense and Sensibility.

Yours Truly,

Refried Beans (that's my pen name. If you want my real name, you have to request pages)

Ah...that made me feel so much better about my accidentally bad queries. :-) Feel free to add your own fake query letters in the comments. You'll love how it makes you feel.


  1. :D I love this query. Very, very funny!

  2. Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh...and I'm not psychic or anything but I'd guess there wouldn't be a partial request in the bunch!

    Good luck on your own querying adventures!

  3. Kristin,

    I'd seriously be concerned if an agent requested anything but a restraining order based on this query! But it was fun to write.

    You won't believe how hard it was to think of a first name that didn't match any agents I actually know of. Heaven forbid they find this post and think I'm writing to them!

    And thanks for the luck. I love luck!

  4. Sandy, thanks again for your sweet comments!

    Sjusjun, keep following the blog. I hope to have a book for you to buy in a year or two. :-)

  5. My Dearest Special Agent Sanders,
    I'm so excited that I found you email address and Facebook addresses. Can we be friends, please, please, pretty please? I wrote a little romance about a guy and a girl and another girl, it's set in Utah. What do you think, could it sell? Maybe a little TV series... Who doesn't like romance? Anyways, I'm not really done with it but I know it will be big so I thought I'd give you the first shot at it.

    .... Ok, that was kinda fun but reading yours was more fun. ***


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